[ Introduction |  Shows |  Dates |  Theme Song ]

It Pays To Be Ignorant

Compiled by

Quiz Master: 

Tom Howard

Panelists:  

Harry McNaughton
Lulu McConnell
George Shelton

Announcer:  

Ken Roberts

Music:  

Dr. Nat Novick


Harry Lulu George Tom

Harry McNaughton, Lulu McConnell, George Shelton, Tom Howard


[ Top |  Shows |  Dates |  Theme Song ]

Introduction

Harry McNaughton, George Shelton and the "Nail-Up Girl" Lulu McConnell were the panelists, with Tom Howard as the quiz master in this hilarious spoof of quiz shows. The panelists were billed as the dumbest people on the planet, and proceeded to spend the next half hour proving that fact. When asked questions like "What color is the Little Red Schoolhouse?", they attempt to clarify the query by asking completely irrelevant questions, interrupting each other, talking in circles, and following dead end discussions in a vain attempt to find the answer.

Each show opens with:
     theme fanfare
     Howard: What is a reigning beauty?   (replace by Q/A's below)
     Shelton:A girl who's all wet.
     Howard: Correct. Pay that man $8.00
     theme fanfare
     Howard: If four frankfurters cost 10 cents, what is 500 frankfurters?
     Shelton:A lot of bologna.
     Howard: Correct. Pay that man $9.00 because...
     announcer: It Pays To Be Ignorant
     theme up full

After Tom is introduced, he introduces Harry as the celebrated author on the panel, mentioning the title of this week's book, like "The Tree of Knowledge or Don't Be Fooled by Pretty Limbs". Harry will then read his latest poem, under duress.

Lulu is introduced next, usually with a barrage of terms like Melon-Collie Baby (she only has one tooth, like a baby, as well as the standard insult), Miss Death Valley of 1944, or "here's a woman who should have been born in the Dark Ages because she looks terrible in the light". Then in a raspy saw-blade voice she tells the trouble her old man got into or some such. When a male member of the audience is introduced, her main interest is his first name and marital status.

George is introduced last, with the implication that he couldn't out-think a comatose flea. When an audience member mentions the town they're from, George inevitably "used to work in that town!" and he'd tell everyone the dumbest job you can imagine.

Music interludes are generally a classical and contemporary hodgepodge, sometimes straight, sometime very Spike Jonesish (without the non-musical instruments like burps and moos), and usually with the mike is open as Tom and the panelist comment and ridicule the music and orchestra. The music leader is a mystery to me. He's always introduced as "Dr. Nat Novick" but Tom thanks "Johnny" after the opening theme. According to Dunning, while the show was on Mutual, music was handled by Tom's son, Tom Jr. Then, on CBS, the orchestra leader was Harry Salter. So I don't really know who did what when.

I heard from Robert, a cousin of Nathan Novick. Nat was a Julliard graduate (year of 1917), a violinist and composer and a music theory teacher in NYC. He was part of the Bell Telephone Hour, a long running concert series.


As intellectual quiz shows grew in popularity, Bob Howell of WELI, New Haven, CT put together an outline for a quiz show parody. Ruth Howard created the test script and sold it to the promoter with her father as the moderator. Tom Howard and George Shelton were in vaudeville together, Harry McNaughton from England and American radio comedy, and Lulu McConnell also from vaudeville.

Many shows are undated, and edited (badly) for AFRS broadcast. And the dated ones are questionable in my opinion. While trying to correlate the known dated shows with newspaper logs of broadcast dates, some show dates coincide with non-broadcast dates. I therefore question all dates and broadcast numbers.


[ Top |  Introduction |  Dates |  Theme Song ]

Available Shows

ordered by first question

Dates in italics or ???? I have on tape but not digital -- yet
Dates listed as ?? have been received without dates
Shows with multiple dates I've received with different dates

Date
Guest
First teaser question
answer
Second teaser question
answer
Tom Howard's introduction to the show
??
(skips)
(something about a club)
(something about ink)
(something about a chicken can't sit down)
(standing up under the strain)
(skip) program again that belongs in the hall (skip). We have a board of experts are so (skip) some kind of a boat.
44-10-27
 
Can a letter box?
No, but a sardine can.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
Well, Friday means fish, so here's that fishy quiz program again...
44-10-13
Roland Young
Do married men live longer than single men?
No, it only seems longer.
On which side do you milk a cow?
On the outside.
Well, here we are again with that quiz program that as an educational feature should be in the hall of fame, because it's a bust.
45-04-06
 
Do you believe in clubs for women?
Yes, but only when kindness fails.
What is a hat?
Something the average man wears, the beggar passes around, the statesman throws in the ring, and the politician talks through.
Once again we disturb your peace of mind with that 'you can expect anything' quiz program It Pays to be Ignorant.
49-01-23
 
How can you make a woman keep her mouth shut?
Put glue in her lipstick
How can you cool off a motor?
Strip the gears
Well, here again is that screwy quiz program that people are talking about but I can't tell you what they are saying about it.
44-08-25 44-09-08
 
How can you tell a Jersey Cow?
By it's license plates.
What kind of a person lives the longest?
A rich relative.
Here we are again with that quiz program about which all of America's greatest educators have said "Phooey!"
44-07-14 (093)
 
How do you keep milk from souring?
Keep it in the cow
What is a miser?
A man who eats mice
Well, here it is, that menace to education again, with a board of experts who think books are used to put under broken legs of bureaus
44-04-21
 
How do you keep the back door from slamming?
Use the front door
What is the difference between a bridge game and a dice game?
You wear out your pants in two different places
Corn is right. In other words here's that quiz program with a board of experts who are so dumb that they think and auto-mat is something you wipe your feet on.
????
 
How does a stove feel when it's full of coal?
Very grate full.
If a farmer raises 200 bushels of wheat in dry weather, what does he raise in wet weather?
An umbrella.
Once more we're here again with that quiz program for people who enjoy the simple minded things in life.
44-05-12
 
Is it bad luck to postpone a wedding?
Not if you keep on postponing it
What is dust?
Mud, with the juice squeezed out of it
When people say it could be worse, they mean IPTBI
45-08-04
 
What are millionaires?
Poor people with lots of money.
What is rhubarb?
Celery with high blood pressure.
Well, here we are again with that quiz program that shows you education at low tide.
47-03-07
 
What are women wearing in shoes this year?
Feet.
What is love?
The tenth word in a telegram.
Once again we bring you that quiz program which decided the school teachers to go back to work. We have a board of experts who are so dumb they think a kidney garden is a garden that grows kidney beans.
46-01-04
 
What did the baggy pants leg say to the other?
Let's go to press.
Why does a chicken cross the street?
Because the light is green.
Here we are again with another session of that quiz program designed for people with an inferiority complex, with a board of experts who think brains is something you get in a butcher shop.
44-09-01
 
What did the little dog say when he sat on the sandpaper?
Ruff, ruff.
Why don't the girls in Sun Valley take sun baths?
Because the mountains peak.
Here is that quiz program again which has all the educators hollering "Uncle."
45-01-05 (118)
 
What do we call the inhabitants of Egypt?
People.
What are millionaires?
Poor people with lots of money.
We have a board of experts who are so dumb they think a daffodil is a crazy pickle.
45-02-10
 
What do you call a man unlucky in love?
Bachelor
What is marriage?
A business in which the man is the silent partner
Well, it's here again, that quiz program that has given all morons a new lease on life.
????
 
What does a bee get in flower?
His head and shoulders.
Why is our language called the Mother Tongue?
Because Father never gets a chance to use it.
Once again we bring you that radio program for people with an inferiority complex.
46-03-08
 
What happened in 1776?
In what hotel?
What's the difference between a sleepy man and a sleepy woman?
A sleepy man has a hard time keeping his eyes open. A sleepy woman has a hard time keeping her mouth shut.
Here we are again with another session of that quiz program that's making morons out of educated people.
51-07-04
 
What happens when a racetrack gets flooded?
They pull the plugs out
How do you make a peach cordial?
Buy her a meal.
This is that quiz program that belongs in the hall of fame, because it's a bust. We have a board of experts who are so dumb they think that General Electric is an Army Officer.
52-01-13
 
What happens when a racetrack gets flooded?
They pull the plugs out
What happens when a wife makes bad coffee?
Her husband has grounds for divorce
It's 9 o'clock which means it's time for that quiz program that makes you wonder if education is necessary.
44-11-10
Adolf Menjou
What happens when you eat garlic?
You get lonesome.
What is a miser?
A man who eats mice.
Well, here we are again with that quiz program that's known far and wide for it's nuisance value.
49-03-13
 
What is a baby sitter?
A person who receives hush money.
What is the most useless thing in the world?
A glass eye at a keyhole.
Well, here we are again with another session of that slap-happy quiz program IPTBI -- a program that promises you nothing and that's just exactly what you're gonna get.
46-02-08
 
What is a bargain sale?
A place where a woman ruins one dress to buy another.
Why do men flirt with waitresses?
Because they're playing for big steaks.
Well, here we are again ready for another discussion with those disgusting experts in a quiz program entitled It Pays To Be Ignorant.
45-07-06
 
What is a bigamist?
A man who doesn't know when he's got enough.
How can you carry water in a sieve?
That's easy, freeze it.
We have a board of experts who are so dumb they think rhubarb is celery with high blood pressure.
44-12-22 (116)
 
What is a blotter?
Something you look for while the ink drys.
How do you make money fast?
Glue it to the floor.
Well, here we are again with that under privileged, under nourished, and under slung quiz program It Pays To Be Ignorant.
45-10-19
 
What is a cowhide used for?
To hold the cow together.
What is an epistle?
The wife of an apostle.
Here is our first question - or rather - here is another session of that quiz program for people over 40 who are still in the third grade. We have a board of experts so dumb they think an elephant's trunk is something you put clothes in.
44-01-10
 
What is a Cubit?
Cubit it the language spoken in Cuba.
What is a yawn?
The only chance a married man has to open his mouth.
Well, here it is Monday night again an here's that screwy quiz program to make your evening unbearable. We have a board of experts who are so dumb they think a football coach has four wheels.
47-03-28
 
What is a dentist?
A man who runs a filling station.
What is a wife?
That woman who sews up that rip in your coat that you tore helping a blond into the cab the night before.
Here we are again with that quiz program that decided the school teachers they had better go back to work. Our experts consist of three missing cars in the train of thought.
45-04-27
 
What is a detour?
The longest distance between two points.
What is a miser?
A man who eats mice.
From Camp Kilmer, New Brunswick, New Jersey we bring you that quiz program that is the last word in stupidity. We have a board of experts who are so dumb they think an officer's mess is the captain's wife.
44-12-15 (115)
 
What is a duck?
A chicken with snowshoes on.
Does courtship make a fellow spoon?
Yes, but marriage makes him fork over.
Well, here we are again with that quiz program that for all people over 35 who are still in the second grade.
45-06-22
 
What is a female bachelor?
A lady in waiting
Should a woman hold on to her youth?
Yes, but not when he's driving
We're back with that daffy quiz program otherwise known as Education Takes a Holiday.
45-02-23
 
What is a flirt?
A woman who believes every man for herself.
Why does a stork stand on one leg?
Because if he lifted the other one he'd fall flat on his face.
Well, once again we bring you that quiz program that is definite proof that the government hasn't rationed corn yet. We have a board of experts who are so dumb they think a defense plant grows in a flower pot.
46-03-01
 
What is a fox?
A man who gets what the wolf is after.
Why is a woman like a tube of toothpaste?
Because you've got to squeeze them both to get anything out of them.
Well, you've all heard of the March of Time, but here comes the program known as a waste of time.
44-12-01
Oscar Levant
What is a gentleman?
A man who never hits a woman with his hat on.
What is etiquette?
Learning to yawn with your mouth closed
Well, here we are again with a quiz program that made it necessary for the educators to discover aspirin
46-01-04
 
What is a hospitable dog?
One who will give you a bite anytime.
Why do young women put their hair up in papers?
To wake up curly in the morning.
Here we are again with that question and answer program that never gets the answers.
44-01-17
 
What is a Long Neck?
A dirty look on a stick.
What do they ask on income tax blanks?
Questions.
Well here we are again, folks, with that lame excuse for a quiz program, with a board of experts that are so dumb they think a dry dock is a physician that don't drink.
48-10-30
 
What is a love seat?
A couple of chairs in search of a balcony.
What is the most dangerous part of an automobile?
The nut that hold the wheel.
Another week and another session of that crazy quiz program IPTBI. We have a board of experts who are so dumb they think a baby sitter sits on babies.
47-01-24
Jimmy Stewart
What is a misleading figure?
A woman with a girdle on.
What is a half-breed?
A man who breathes through one nostril.
Friday night, another session of that quiz program that became an institution, with a board of experts who belong in one. (Kate Smith subs for Lulu)
52-11-06
 
What is a mother-in-law sandwich?
Cold shoulder and tongue
What is a rumba?
A rumba is a foxtrot with the backfield in motion
Well here we are back again with that silly quiz program IPTBI so you better start twisting your dials around, there may be something better on another station.
45-12-07 (166)
 
What is a mother-in-law?
A tough sergeant with bloomers.
What is a flea?
An insect that's gone to the dogs.
Once again we bring you that quiz program designed to stop the progress of education.
44-12-29
Man Mountain Dean
What is a New Year's Resolution?
Something that goes in one year and out the other.
What is an icicle?
A stiff piece of water.
Well, here it is again, the quiz program which is making the monkeys think they're pretty smart.
46-05-17
 
What is a nightclub?
A place where the tables are reserved but the customers ain't
Why does a chicken sit down while laying an egg?
Because it can't stand up under the strain
Well here is that quiz program again that belongs in the hall of fame because it's a bust
44-04-14
 
What is a nightmare?
A horse that walks in his sleep
Do you know the difference between a popular girl and an unpopular girl?
Yes, and no
Well, here it is again, that quiz program that has college professors beating their heads against stone walls with a board of experts who should have the walls beat against their heads.
43-10-04
 
What is a reigning beauty?
A girl who's all wet.
If four frankfurters cost 10 cents, what is 500 frankfurters?
A lot of bologna.
Well, here we are with that daffy quiz program again with a board of experts who are such boors that they make termites look like amateurs.
??
 
What is a revolver?
A sure cure for Common Colds
What is a wife?
The bitter half
Well, once again we're here with that quiz program that has become an institution because that's where it belongs.
45-11-30
 
What is a Russian dancer?
A man who sits on nothing and kicks.
What is a spinster?
A lady in waiting.
We bring you at this time another session of that zany quiz program know as Howard's Sorrow. We have a board of experts who are so dumb they Chopin's polonaise is a salad dressing.
45-06-01
 
What is a shyster lawyer?
One who's greatest asset is his lie ability.
What is a diplomat?
A man who remembers a woman's birthday but never her age.
Well, here we are again with that quiz program that only goes to prove that people will listen to anything. With a board of experts who are so dumb they think a lawsuit is a policeman's uniform.
44-11-03
Shirley Booth
What is a swimming pool?
A crowd of people with water in it.
What is a slowest thing on Earth?
A nudist trying to get through a barbed wire fence.
Here we are again with the quiz program in which, and I say this with all modesty, has met with more disdain than any other program on the air.
45-11-23
 
What is a window screen?
Something to keep flies inside the house.
What is a bathing beauty?
A girl with a nice profile all the way down.
Well here's that quiz program again with the board of experts who consists of three people whose brain has been in quarantine ever since the day they were born.
45-10-05
 
What is a window?
Something you use to look through a brick wall with.
What letters of the alphabet come after the letter 'A'?
All of them.
Yes, we are here again with that quiz program known as Idiots Delight, with a board of experts who are so dumb that they think an autobiography has four wheels.
45-10-12
 
What is alimony?
Taxation without representation
What is a pig pen?
Something you write a litter with
Well, here is that quiz program again brought to you through the courtesy of the Moron's Weekly
44-09-08 44-08-18 44-08-22
 
What is an optimist?
A person who does a crossword puzzle in ink.
What do they call the inhabitants of Egypt?
People.
Well, here it is again, that quiz program which is making the monkeys think they're pretty smart.
45-08-24
 
What is etiquette?
Learning to yawn with your mouth closed.
What is the guillotine?
The first real cure for dandruff.
Here we are again with that unessential, unimportant, unbalanced, unnecessary, and uncouth, quiz program IPTBI with a board of experts who are so dumb they think a shoehorn is a musical instrument.
45-02-10 45-05-25)
 
What is liberty?
What a man exchanges for a wife
What is a miser?
A man who trains mice
Once again we being you that quiz program that is a cross between a Mickey Finn and a nervous breakdown.
45-09-07
 
What is love?
Softening of the hearteries
What is marriage?
A business in which the husband is the silent partner.
Well, here is that rat-race again entitled It Pays To Be Ignorant.
45-06-29
 
What is the difference between a married man and a bachelor
*2* When a bachelor walks the floor with a baby, he's dancing.
What is worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxicabs.
Here we come at you with that quiz program that is so unbearable that the ushers in the studio have to work on five minute shifts. We have a board of experts who are so dumb they think thumb tacks is a new tax put on hitchhikers.
44-12-08 44-12-08 114
Kate Smith
What kind of a person lives longest?
A rich relative
How do you make anti-freeze?
Hide her pajamas
Well, here is that quiz program that should be in the hall of fame, because it's a bust.
44-09-15 (102)
Patsy Kelly
What's the best way to keep your bills down?
Use a paperweight.
What is a pedestrian?
A married man who owns a car.
Well, it's here again, that quiz program that's the cause for so many schools opening early this year.
45-10-21 45-09-21
 
When is a watermelon a vegetable?
When you drop it and it goes squash
If a little Chinese boy has a toothache, what time is it?
Tooth hurty
Well, here is that quiz program again with an IQ so low they struck oil. We have a board of experts who played Carnegie Hall last Sunday afternoon. Monday the place was sprayed with DDT
46-06-28 (182)
 
Where do the bugs go in the wintertime?
Search me!
No thanks
If I had $10 and I took half of it, what would I have?
A fractured skull.
Well, here we are coming at you again with another session of It Pays To Be Ignorant, a quiz program that has become a household word -- but we're not permitted to tell you the word.
45-07-20
 
Who was Rip Van Winkle?
A man who slept for 20 years because his neighbors had no radio
What is horse sense?
Something a horse has that keeps him from setting on people
Once again we bring you that quiz program which only goes to prove that if you ask silly people silly questions you get silly answers.
46-01-11
 
Why are women like the ocean?
Because they never dry up.
Why doesn't a regular soldier sit down?
Because he belongs to the standing army.
Here we are again with that quiz program designed for cylinder heads. If you like sophisticated humor, we haven't got it.
44-10-06
Deems Taylor
Why do people eat garlic?
So they can find them in the dark.
How do you make anti-freeze?
Hide her pajamas
We have a board of experts who are so dumb they think the Mayor of New York is a horse.
44-09-29
Leo Durocher
Why do some people eat with their knives?
To sharpen their appetites.
Name 3 famous opera stars.
John Charles Thomas
Well, here we are again with that quiz program that is fast becoming an institution, and that's where it belongs.
48-02-05
 
Why do wedding bells ring?
Because someone pulls the rope.
What do they call little cats in Ireland?
Kittens.
Today's the day, the place is New York City, the program is It Pays to be Ignorant. A program that just asks questions and never gets any answers
44-10-20 (107)
 
Why does a chicken cross the street?
Because it's got the green light
What did Julius Caesar say when Brutus stabbed him?
Ouch!
Well, here we are again with that quiz program that is a favorite with the scissor grinders union because it's so dull.
????
 
Why does the subway have to raise the fare?
Because they're always in a hole.
What is a honeymoon?
The thrill of a wifetime
Once again we bring you that quiz program with the board of experts who are so dumb they think an officer's mess is the captain's wife.
48-10-23
 
Why is a man like a worm?
Because some chicken always gets him
What's the difference between a bad boy and a postage stamp?
One you lick with a stick and the other you stick with a lick
Another week and another session of the screwy quiz program that reminds you of a gymnasium because it's full of dumbbells
45-03-23
 
Why is a room full of married people empty?
Because there's not a single person in it.
Is stealing a kiss petty larceny?
No, it's grand.
Well, we bring you once again that quiz program that has nothing to worry about if they ever put a curfew on education. Our board of experts consist of 3 pinheads off a war mat.
44-02-07 (069)
 
Why is a watchdog smaller in the daytime?
Because he's let out at night
What would you call a person who's afraid of water?
Dirty
Well, here we are with that quiz program which makes everybody connected with it look silly
44-11-17
Harry Hirshfield
Why is kissing a girl like opening a bottle of olives?
The first is hard to get, but the rest comes easy.
What is an organ recital?
A bunch of women talking about their operations.
Well, it's here again, that quiz program which is the last word, but we're not permitted to mention the word.
44-09-22 (103)
 
Why is marriage like taking a bath?
Because after you get used to it it's not so hot
What is an old maid?
A 'yes' woman who never got a chance to talk
Well, here we are again with that quiz program only for people in their second childhood. We have a board of expert who think Yale College is where they make locks.


[ Top |  Introduction |  Shows  |  Song ]

Show Dates

The following is a list of all episode dates based on the radio listings from The New York Times
Any dates listed in red as pre were preempted shows
 
NOTE: If you try to correlate the show numbers and the dates from the chart above you will find
the show numbers will not match the given dates, and some dates above are duplicated or listed
on a date there was no show. This is why I mentioned above I consider the dates questionable.

 

 8:30 Thu Mutual 

  42-06-25    001  
  42-07-02    002  
  42-07-09    003  
  42-07-16    004  
  42-07-23    005  
  42-07-30    006  
  42-08-06    007  
  42-08-13    008  
  42-08-20    009  
  42-08-27    010  
  42-09-03    011  
  42-09-10    012  
  42-09-17    013  
  42-09-24    014  
  42-10-01    015  
  42-10-08    016  
  42-10-15    pre
  42-10-22    017  
  42-10-29    018  
  42-11-05    019  
  42-11-12    020  
  42-11-19    021  

 7:30 Mon Mutual 

  42-11-23    022  
  42-11-30    023  
  42-12-07    024  
  42-12-14    025  
  42-12-21    026  
  42-12-28    027  
  43-01-04    028  
  43-01-11    029  
  43-01-18    030  
  43-01-25    031  
  43-02-01    032  
  43-02-08    033  
  43-02-15    034  
  43-02-22    035  
  43-03-01    036  
  43-03-08    037  
  43-03-15    038  
  43-03-22    039  
  43-03-29    040  
  43-04-05    041  
  43-04-12    042  
  43-04-19    043  
  43-04-26    044  
  43-05-03    045  
  43-05-10    046  
  43-05-17    047  
  43-05-24    048  
  43-05-31    049  
  43-06-07    050  
  43-06-14    051  
  43-06-21    052  
  43-06-28    053  
  43-07-05    054  
  43-07-12    055  
  43-07-19    056  
  43-07-26    057  
  43-08-02    058  
  43-08-09    059  
  43-08-16    060  
  43-08-23    061  
  43-08-30    062  
  43-09-06    063  
  43-09-13    064  
  43-09-20    065  
  43-09-27    066  
  43-10-04    067  
  43-10-11    068  
  43-10-18    069  
  43-10-25    070  
  43-11-01    071  
  43-11-08    072  
  43-11-15    073  
  43-11-22    074  
  43-11-29    075  
  43-12-06    076  
  43-12-13    077  
  43-12-20    078  
  43-12-27    079  
  44-01-03    080  
  44-01-10    081  
  44-01-17    082  
  44-01-24    083  
  44-01-31    084  
  44-02-07    085  
  44-02-14    086  
  44-02-21    087  
 

 9:00 Fri ABC 

  44-02-25    088  
  44-03-03    089  
  44-03-10    090  
  44-03-17    091  
  44-03-24    092  
  44-03-31    093  
  44-04-07    094  
  44-04-14    095  
  44-04-21    096  
  44-04-28    097  
  44-05-05    098  
  44-05-12    099  
  44-05-19    100  
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  45-12-21    183  
  45-12-28    184  
  46-01-04    185  
  46-01-11    186  
  46-01-18    pre
  46-01-25    187  
 

 9:00 Fri ABC 

  46-05-03    188  
  46-05-10    189  
  46-05-17    190  
  46-05-24    191  
  46-05-31    192  
  46-06-07    193  
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  46-08-16    203  
  46-08-23    204  
  46-08-30    205  
  46-09-06    206  
  46-09-13    207  

 10:00 Fri ABC 

  46-09-20    208  
  46-09-27    209  
  46-10-04    210  
  46-10-11    211  
  46-10-18    212  
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  47-03-14    233  
  47-03-21    234  
  47-03-28    235  
  47-04-04    pre
  47-04-11    236  
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  47-10-17    263  
  47-10-24    pre
  47-10-31    264  
  47-11-07    265  
  47-11-14    266  
  47-11-21    267  
  47-11-28    268  
  47-12-05    269  
  47-12-12    270  
  47-12-19    pre
  47-12-26    270  
  48-01-02    271  
  48-01-09    272  
  48-01-16    273  
  48-01-23    274  
  48-01-30    275  
  48-02-06    276  
 

 10:30 Sat ABC 

  48-02-28    283  
  48-03-06    284  
  48-03-13    285  
  48-03-20    286  
  48-03-27    287  
  48-04-03    288  
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  48-06-05    297  
  48-06-12    298  
  48-06-19    299  
  48-06-26    300  
  48-07-03    301  

 9:30 Sat CBS 

  48-07-10    302  
  48-07-17    303  
  48-07-24    304  
  48-07-31    305  
  48-08-07    306  
  48-08-14    307  
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  48-12-04    323  
  48-12-11    324  
  48-12-18    325  
  48-12-25    326  
  49-01-01    327  

 10:30 Sun CBS 

  49-01-09    328  
  49-01-16    329  
  49-01-23    330  
  49-01-30    331  
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  49-02-13    333  
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  49-02-27    335  
  49-03-06    336  
  49-03-13    337  
  49-03-20    338  
  49-03-27    339  
  49-04-03    pre
  49-04-10    340  
  49-04-17    pre
  49-04-24    341  
  49-05-01    342  
  49-05-08    343  
  49-05-15    344  
  49-05-22    pre
  49-05-29    345  
  49-06-05    346  
  49-06-12    347  
  49-06-19    348  
  49-06-26    349  

 9:30 Tue CBS 

  49-07-05    350  
  49-07-12    351  
  49-07-19    352  
  49-07-26    353  
  49-08-02    354  
  49-08-09    355  
  49-08-16    356  
  49-08-23    357  
  49-08-30    358  
  49-09-06    359  
  49-09-13    360  
  49-09-20    361  
 

 9:00 Wed CBS 

  50-07-05    362  
  50-07-12    363  
  50-07-19    364  
  50-07-26    365  
  50-08-02    366  
  50-08-09    367  
  50-08-16    368  
  50-08-23    369  
  50-08-30    370  
  50-09-06    371  
  50-09-13    372  
  50-09-20    373  
  50-09-27    374  

 9:00 Wed NBC 

  51-07-04    375  
  51-07-11    376  
  51-07-18    377  
  51-07-25    378  
  51-08-01    379  
  51-08-08    380  
  51-08-15    381  
  51-08-22    382  
  51-08-29    383  
  51-09-05    384  
  51-09-12    385  
  51-09-19    386  
  51-09-26    387  


[ Top |  Introduction |  Shows |  Dates |   ]

Theme Song

   
From 44-11-17 show:     One day as I was walking
    Down the avenue,
I met a funny fellow
    With a funny point of view.
 
He didn't have a brain cell
    Working in his head,
But he was very happy
    And this is what he said:
 
Chorus:    It pays to be ignorant,
    To be dumb,
    to be dense,
    To be ignorant.
It pays to be ignorant,
    Just like me.
 
It's best not to know too much,
    Be a dope,
    Your I.Q.
    Shouldn't show too much.
Your brain shouldn't grow too much,
    Wait and see.

 
I took my girl to dinner,
    We had a wonderful feed.
They had to give my girl the check
    Because I couldn't read.
 
Chorus:    (So you see)
It pays to be ignorant,
    Have no brain,
    Be insane,
    Just be ignorant.
It pays to be ignorant
    Just like me

 
From various other shows:     When I was just a school kid
    I wasn't awfully bright,
I had a pretty teacher who
    Made me stay in each night.
 
Each week I earn six dollars,
    My brain is terribly lax.
But when there is no income
    There ain't no income tax.
 
and for the war effort:     I never mention our planes,
    Planes or ships or our tanks,
Ol' Adolf never learned a thing
    To hurt our fighting yanks.
 
Chorus:    It pays to be ignorant,
    Have no brain,
    to be inane,
    To be ignorant.
It pays to be ignorant,
    Just like me.

 
[ Top |  Introduction |  Shows |  Dates |  Theme Song ]


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